Why IFS Is a Go-To Treatment After Psychological Abuse or Relational Trauma

Before I ever trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), I was introduced to its relevance by one of the leading voices in the field of psychological abuse—Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Dr. Ramani has been instrumental in educating both the public and professionals on the invisible, insidious wounds caused by narcissistic abuse and what she terms antagonistic relational stress disorder. During my time studying under her, she identified several modalities as particularly effective for healing after these forms of psychological harm. At the top of that list? Somatic Experiencing, EMDR and Internal Family Systems.

While I had some familiarity with all of these modalities, it was IFS that pulled me in like a gravitational force. The more I learned, the more I understood why it was the approach for survivors of relational trauma. It’s not just effective—it’s necessary.

The Impact of Psychological Abuse: When the Self Is Stolen

To understand why IFS is so profoundly healing, we first need to understand what psychological abuse does to a person. While physical abuse is more easily identified, psychological abuse operates in shadows. It gaslights. It erodes. It isolates. And most devastatingly—it fractures a person’s sense of self.

This is not accidental. The conscious or unconscious goal of a person engaging in narcissistic abuse, psychological manipulation, or coercive control is often to objectify the other. They seek to dominate the narrative of who the other person is, usually for control, image management, or emotional supply. This leads to a slow, systematic dismantling of a person’s individuality.

Survivors of this type of relational trauma often find themselves wondering:

• Who am I, really?

• What do I want?

• Can I even trust my own thoughts?

They’ve been conditioned to question themselves at every turn—to doubt their perceptions, feelings, and instincts. Over time, this leads to blending with protective parts: the people-pleaser, the performer, the perfectionist, the appeaser, the hyper-vigilant watcher. These parts jump in to keep the system “safe” by trying to minimize conflict or earn approval. And while these strategies may protect in the short term, they come at the cost of selfhood.

A Note on Compassion—for All

Let me pause here and name something critical. In the world of narcissistic abuse recovery, there is a tendency to create caricatures of “the narcissist” and to demonize them. I understand why. These behaviors are harmful. They rupture relationships, destroy self-worth, and in some cases, cause lifelong trauma.

But here’s the truth I hold in this space: we’re all human. And at different levels, we all have the capacity to hurt others when we’re operating from wounded or disintegrated parts of ourselves.

This is not to excuse abuse. Ever. And it is absolutely not a call to stay in relationship with someone who causes harm. Boundaries, distance, and even total separation are often necessary, and I support that fully.

But I also believe that healing doesn’t come from adding more hatred to the world. IFS gives us a framework to hold people accountable for their behaviors while still holding a humanizing lens. That includes perpetrators. And most importantly, that includes ourselves.

Why IFS? Because It Reclaims the Self

So why is Internal Family Systems (IFS) such a powerful treatment modality for survivors of psychological abuse?

Because the foundational wound of psychological abuse is the loss of self. And the goal of IFS is to help clients reconnect with self and learn to trust it for clarity and healing.

In IFS, we understand that the mind is made up of “parts”—distinct inner subpersonalities, each with their own thoughts, feelings, and roles. These parts aren’t pathology; they’re protection. And beneath them all is the Self—a wise, compassionate, centered inner essence that is never damaged or broken, only obscured.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse often become deeply blended with their protective parts. They may believe they are the anxious one, the angry one, the appeaser, the caretaker, the numbed-out one. But in IFS, we learn these parts are just that—parts. And we learn how to unblend from them to access the Self.

The moment a survivor realizes, “Wait—I’m not broken, I’ve just been protected,” something profound begins to shift.

Step One: Building Safety and Internal Trust

One of the first steps in IFS is simply helping the client begin to identify their parts. This might sound straightforward, but for someone coming out of a psychologically abusive relationship, it’s often a monumental task.

Many survivors have learned that tuning into themselves is dangerous. Their inner knowing was often met with mockery, rage, or dismissal. So they adapted by numbing out, turning off their inner signals, and hyper-focusing on others’ needs and moods.

When we begin IFS, we gently start the process of tuning inward again. This often feels scary at first. We take it slowly, respectfully, and with immense care. Clients may say, “I don’t know what I feel,” or “I don’t know what part of me this is.” That’s okay. With time and consistent support, the internal system begins to trust the process.

It’s important to know that a good IFS therapist won’t force this. They will go at your system’s pace, helping you feel safe, grounded, and in control.

Why It Works: IFS and the Rebuilding of Identity

Psychological abuse chips away at identity. IFS rebuilds it—from the inside out.

Instead of focusing solely on behavior change or surface-level coping skills, IFS helps you reestablish an internal sense of who you are. Your Self. Not the version your abuser needed you to be. Not the version that kept you safe. The real you—wise, calm, confident, curious, and compassionate.

Clients often describe a kind of internal “homecoming” in IFS therapy. They say things like:

• “I can hear myself again.”

• “I feel like I’m coming back to life.”

• “I can tell the difference between my fear and my intuition now.”

That’s not just recovery. That’s transformation.

What It Feels Like to Heal in IFS

IFS is not a quick fix. It’s not about bypassing pain or rushing to forgiveness. It’s about deep, sustainable healing.

Sessions might include:

• Tuning in to the body to notice where a part lives or how it feels

• Getting curious about a protective part’s story—why it shows up and what it fears

• Witnessing an exile’s pain, perhaps for the first time in years

• Helping the Self offer comfort, connection, and compassion to wounded parts

• Updating the system’s internal rules and beliefs based on today’s reality, not yesterday’s trauma

There may be tears. There may be resistance. But there is also immense relief. Clients often feel seen—by themselves—for the first time in a long time.

What I Wish Every Survivor Knew

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself—please know that you are not broken. You are not too much or too sensitive or too difficult to love. You are a person who adapted to impossible circumstances. And those adaptations saved you.

IFS doesn’t shame these adaptations. It honors them. And then, when the system is ready, it helps you write a new story—one where you’re not stuck in survival mode but free to live, connect, and thrive.

Yes, healing takes time. Yes, some parts may resist or fear change. That’s okay. Healing isn’t linear—it’s a dance. And you don’t have to do it alone.

In Closing: Reclaiming Your Inner Ecosystem

There is a kind of grief that comes with waking up to the reality of abuse. The grief of what was lost, of who you had to become to survive, and of what you never got to be. IFS holds space for that grief. It doesn’t rush it. It honors it. And in that space, it helps survivors find something even more precious—themselves.

This is why IFS is my go-to approach after relational trauma. It doesn’t treat symptoms in isolation. It treats the system. It treats the soul. And more than anything, it helps people remember that their Self was never destroyed—only hidden. And that, with time, compassion, and courage, it can come home again.